Tuesday, 22 November 2011

Wriggleimuss Me!!!

I is now known as Wriggly Kitty.....Maximus Wriggly Kitty Spittimus.

I is prepared to allow this addition to the name of your most magnificent Maximus as I admit I wriggles a lot.

I do not sound like a seagull though! Disgraceimuss!!! Man Two legs says I sound like a seagull from 'Finding Nemo' when I is fed.

I DO NOT say 'Mine! Mine! Mine!'......I says 'Gets off it is The Magnificent Maximus's food!'....if Two Legs think it sounds like 'Mine! Mine!' then he is more idiotimuss than even I thought!

...after eatings I settles down for a snooze with The Bumbles who lets me use her chair cause she loves Maximus!!!!

The Stealth Bomber stretches out in the hallway as he can't fit on Bumble's chair - and Bumble would bop him if he tried!


...idiotimuss Two Legs....keeping me silentimuss......

Sunday, 20 November 2011

Piccimusses Followimuss


I is back and idiotimuss Two Legs is taking piccimusses of me - and The Bumble and Stealth Bomber.

The next post will be me back to normality......

I as much to say!!!!!

Saturday, 19 November 2011

Two Legs Is An Idiotimuss!!!!

Two Legs thought the computer tower was brokened....it wasn't

Two Legs got another computer tower and installed it.

Two Legs had all his passwords on old tower and couldn't remember them.

Maximus couldn't blog because Two Legs is an IDIOTIMUSS!!!!!!!

Now Two Legs has plugged in old tower and got passwords back Maximus can blog again.

Now he is plugging new tower back inimuss.

"Er...Two Legs?"

"Yes Maximus?"

"Have you wrtten downimuss all those passwords?"

"Oh!...Oh yeah!...Good idea Maximus!"


Tuesday, 16 August 2011


Man Two Legs came downstairs this morning. Scampi had been a bit wobblymuss lately. I think we all knew he was nearing the end.

Still, 22 years is a good age for a cat! He had been sleeping on an armchair for two weeks and Scampi never slept in any chair.....he slept outside in all weathers and only came in when he was sickimuss - and even then the Two Legs had to wear thick gloves to take him to the Vets!!!!

The Two Legs put a blanky in the kitchen near the cat flap so he could run out when he wanted. Scampi slept on his blankymuss. He stopped running out of the cat flap.

He was lying on his blanky in the kitchen. When man Two Legs walked in to put the kettle on - what is kettle? - Scampi meowed.

Man Two Legs picked him up - that was when I knew. NOBODY. NOBODY ever picked up Scampi.

Man Two Legs carried him to water bowlimuss and tried to get him to drink. He meowed again and Man Two Legs put him back on his blanky.

His will was still there but his old body was letting him down.

Man Two Legs called Lady Two Legs and Little Two Legs and they stroked him and kissed him and he went. Just like that.

Seconds before he went he did something oddimuss.

When his sister, Tiddler, was here he used to put his right paw on her head.

He raised his right paw and held it in mid-air for a while......then he went.

My Scampi has gone.

I am bereft....I am inconsolableimuss....I am hungry....

Feed me!

I is MAXIMUS SPITTIMUS and I has lost my Scampi....now FEED ME!!!!
Bye old friend...sleep tight...Fourdinners, Caz and Jax  xxxxxx

Monday, 8 August 2011

I Is Here!!! So Two Legs CAN find The Timeimuss???

Two Legs?.....phtttt!!!

He is lazimuss....

I IS HERE. HE doesn't even knows I is....Little Two Legs has come home from Madagascar and she hugs me and kisses me. SHE knows I is HERE and she has been in Madagascar!!!!

We is waiting to be fed and man Two legs is getting all huffimuss...."We is due at the airport" he says....AND???

He wants to go to airport (what is airport????) before he feeds us????


I will be takings controlimuss of this house again. I has been too softimuss. I has let Two Legs get untrained.

I has made mistake. I has been too kindimuss. Maximus will regain total controlimuss.

Two Legs is warnedimuss!!!!

The Bumbles has told me.....The Two Legs is good and will feedimuss all of us but WE must remind them WE is in charge.

They will be reminded.

I is MAXIMUS SPITTIMU8S and I has spokens.

Friday, 15 July 2011

My Centurion Guards

The Stealth Bomber is not known as The Stealth Bomber for nothings....
He catch Mousey and brings it back for me to play with. It is my very own pet mousey!!!
He carries it gently along the top of the fence so I can admire my Chief Centurians grace and loyalty to the Emporer Maximus Spittimus.
Then he puts my new mousey down so I cans play with it....BUT!!! Man Two Legs rescues Mousey and frees it!!!! MY MOUSEY!!!! Brought to his Emporer by Stealthey!!! I chases it around and around before Man Two Legs can catch it so I does have some funnimuss.
Bumble (aka The Bumbles aka Bumbleeny) explains to me that Two Legs have always rescued mouseys and frogses and anything that she used to bring home. They do??? Two Legs is very weirdimuss!!!
My wise and venerable Scampi sets up an observation post to tell me if my mousey comes back to play with me again....although strangely, Scampi seems to think it unlikely. Unlikely? Doesn't my mousey understand how honoured he would be to let The Emporer Maximus Spittimus play with him. I would only nibble his head a little bit!!!
All this cahsing mousey and trying to understand silly Two Legs has made me tiredimuss. I sleeps now.


Wednesday, 13 July 2011

They Is Back

Now I knows I hads Scampi (The Venerable and Wise), Bumble (aka The Bumbles aka Bumbleeny) and, of course, Stealthy (aka The Stealth Bomber) for company but.....


Otherwise I was aloneimuss!!!!

I was left aloneimuss!!!!!

They shall pay the price.

I shall bite toes and scratch delicate bits when they is asleepimuss.

The wrath of Maximus Spittimus will know no bounds.


...I will waitimuss until the Little Two Legs is back from Madagascarimuss.

Then they will not expect it.

I is going to have fun.

I is MAXIMUS SPITTIMUS and I is waiting...I is biding my timeimuss.

I will be UNLEASHED!!!!!



er.....can I have some foodimuss?....

Thursday, 7 July 2011


Little Two Legs is in somewhere called Madagascar....Man Two Legs is off to somewhere called Sunderland..... Lady Two Legs is working.....

They is leaving me alone!!!!!


The Emporer Maximus Spittimus!!!!!....The Emporer Wriggly Kitty!!!!



Disgraceful behaviour....

I may never forgiveimuss them.

Unless I gets special treats when they is not in Madagascar or Sunderland or workings.

Why is Two Legs so nutsimuss?????

How can they leave ME??????

Mad as hatters all of them....


Monday, 4 July 2011


Every time I comes into the house I is grabbed!!!!!

"He is full of seeds!" says Two Legs.

'Seeds' is, as far I understandimuss, little round sticky things in my furrimuss.

I is caught and held and Two Legs picks at me.

They really has no ideaimuss has they?

I is MAXIMUS SPITTIMUS  and I is their...and everyone's Emporer!!!!

You do not picks up MAXIMUS SPITTIMUS and removes seeds from HIS coat unless HE wants seeds removed from HIS coat!!!!!!

er...what are seedimusses?

Tuesday, 21 June 2011


Sometimes Miracles work....and sometimes they doesn't.

That's miracles for you....

I is a miracle cause I IS.

Sometimes kitties can't be miracles.

Miracle II diedimuss tonight.

Princess is meowing a lot. She is distressedimuss. She has lost her kitties.

It was not Princesses' fault.

Sometimes Miracles aren't meant to be.

I is Maximus Spittimus and I knows.

I is sad.

Tomorrow is another day.

Wednesday, 15 June 2011

No I Don't Believe In Miracles.....But I Almost Did....

As the Aide de Camp to Maximus Spittimus, I can only apoligise for the laxadasical posting....There has been much occupying me apart from The Emporer Maximus Spittimus....

I suspect he is not entirely happy with this temporary condition....I sense my toes may suffer the consequences of HIS indignation.

My wife and I (bloody hell...I sound like the Queen...'My husband and I'...) are in a British Charity called 'Cats Protection '.......We look after stray cats that are homeless and unwanted. We have a 'Cat Palace' at the bottom of the garden. It is heated and, frankly, if the wifey ever has the sense to throw me out I will move in there. I may decline to eat cat food but I will be warm and dry......;-)

Two 'new arrivals' were...and are...mother and son.

The female was pregnant. We had no idea she was pregnant. She certainly didn't look pregnant and she didn't eat like she was pregnant. We aren't psychic. She was pregnant and we didn't know.

Princess - as we have since called her - gave birth over night.

In the morning we found 2 still born kittens and an extremely distressed kitten no more than 5 or 6 hours old who she was clearly rejecting.

'Miracle' was promptly removed from the 'scene' and spent the night wrapped in a tea towel with disposable rubber gloves filled with warm water and stuffed down the wifey's bra.

Cinicat...a milk substitute...was fed to him via a small syringe.

Miracle survived the night via the wifey denying herself sleep and feeding him every hour on the hour.

The following day he was transferred to a lactating Queen with three 10 day old kittens at a Veterinary surgery in London.

After convincing two of her kittens to 'pee' on a bit of cotton wool and then wiping Miracle with said pee soaked cotton wool, the lactating female immediately washed him and drew him in to suckle.

Miracle suckled.

There was a chance. A slim chance but the 'adoptive' mother was 'up for it'.

When a rejected kitten is rejected in 99% of cases it will die. Even if it's had the joy of being in my wife's bra....

'Miracle' survived another night. The 'adoptive' mother was supurb!!! She drew Miracle in and he was hers.

His strength wasn't enough. He couldn't suckle enough.

Miracle died at 7:02 p.m. on 15th June 2011.

We tried so hard Miracle....Honest we did.....

After dropping off 'Miracle' in London the wifey went to sleep.....

That evening we went to the 'Cat Palace' to feed the strays......We opened Princesse's pen and.....

...another kitten.....she'd given birth over 8 hours after 'Miracle'!!!...and....she hadn't rejected this baby.

You didn't make it 'Miracle'.....I'm so so sorry baby...we tried so hard.....

The adoptive Queen was magnificent!...She took you as her own but it wasn't enough.....

For what it's worth...if your baby sister makes it she will be called 'Miracle' too.....

...She is you.

Sleep tight Miracle.

Our tears are warm for you....and our joy if your baby sister makes it will be tears of joy.....

Pleae let her make it......PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!

Four Dinners
Aide de Camp
Maximus Spittimus

Saturday, 11 June 2011


 This is me....lookiing forward to my currymuss!!!

The little Two Legs is home with her little man Two Legs.

My Two Legses are here.

They is having a currymuss tonight. I likes currymuss. I eats Chicken Vindaloo.

I then drinks a lot of water and, even better, I farts in the night.

As I sleeps near lady Two Legs face this is fun.

I is off to eats my currymuss.

I is MAXIMUS SPITTIMUS  and I has spokens......later I will have farted...;-)

Wednesday, 1 June 2011

I IS Therefore I IS

I is and will always be.

I is Maximus Spittimus and I will always be Maximus Spittimus.

There is a question?


Just to reminds you as The Two Legs is busy and hasn't the times to postimuss....

You is my Centurions so stay faithful or the wrath of Maximus may come downs on youimuss!!!

I is MAXIMUS SPITTIMUS and I has spokens...

Monday, 23 May 2011

Scampi The Wise And Venerable

Scampi survives. I has no idea how he survives but he does. He is nearly 22 years oldimuss.

He is happy and he sleeps and eats and enjoys the Maximus Spittimus Garden in the sun.

I loves my Scampi and am so so happy he is still here with ME.

I just wanted you to knowimuss.

I is MAXIMUS SPITTIMUS and I has spokens.

Monday, 16 May 2011

Wriggly Kitty and The Magenpie

The Two Legs are calling me 'Wriggly Kitty'!!!!




I knows I wriggles when they pick me up but that is because picking up The Emporer of The Universe is WRONG!!!! - er - unless I wants to be picked up.....

I saw a Magenpie.

I saw two Magenpie's.

They screeched and swooped above my headimuss.

Magenpie's are birdies. I know this 'cause they flyimuss and Magenpie's flyimuss.

Birdies run from me. Everything I don't like or wants to eat runs from me.

Magenpie's don't.

They screechimuss and swoopimuss.



I is MAXIMUS SPITTIMUS and I has spokens....

Tuesday, 10 May 2011

Maximus Is Busymuss

My Glorious Centurions,

I, Maximus Spittimus, Emporer Of The Universe, Lord Of All I Survey and any bits that I don't, has been very busymuss.

I is directing operations on my garden. The pond that has fishies must be accessable so I can catch fishies.

As MY garden takes shapeimuss I may only post irregularly....

You must be patient my Centurions...MY garden has to be just right...


Friday, 29 April 2011

The Garden Of Maximus Spittimus

I loves my garden I does.

It is changing though. The Man Two Legs has found someone in need of work and, as the Man Two Legs is apt to do, he has 'taken him under his wing' (as the Lady Two Legs says)....Man Two legs has wings??? He is birdie???....I may eat him!!!!

There is things going on in my garden.....strange things.....this man emptied the top pond and put the fishies in the bottom pondimuss....I is alright with that....I can chase them in the bottom pondimuss....but why?

I is sitting on the 'water feature' cause it isn't.....watering that is....my garden is changing and I don't know if I likes it yet....The Man Two Legs says 'It will be fine Maximus....trust me I'm from Oldham'...

He might be from Oldham...wherever that is...but he's daftimuss as a brushimuss you know....

The Stealth Bomber...Head Centurion Extraordinaire...is perplexed. Perplexed I say!.....He has been decimating the wildlife in MY garden ever since he strayed in here two years ago....Now the fishies are in a deeper pond he can't reach them.....the frogs are sticking their tongues out at him (assuming frogs have tongues)....My garden is changing!!!

Lots of trees are gone now....not the one with the Magpies nest in it, so I can still climb up and try to steal their eggs - except Magpies have no respect for your Emporer...they hisses and screeches and trys to peck my eyes....I WILL get their eggs one day!!!!!

In the meantime I will sit on the water feature until it starts to water again and watch this strange man chop up trees and make MY garden bigger.

I don't knows.....It feels very oddimuss.....The sun shines on me more than it did - which is goodimuss - but there are fewer places to hide and seek with Stealthy.....

Still....The Great Sage Scampi and The Queen Bumble seem to like more light in MY garden so I suppose I will have to allow these changes....

I am MAXIMUS SPITTIMUS and I is sitting on a water feature until it spurts again...

I 'as spokens....

Tuesday, 19 April 2011

The Emporer Of The Universe, The Lord Of All That Is...I'd better carry on this in the post...

...The One And Only Maximus Spittimus, Grand Centurion Leader, Duke Of Catdom, Governer Of Dogdom (at least those dogs who are wisely on my side), Cat God Of All That Is And All That Will Be (if I let it be which mainly depends on how much food is involved in giving my permission for it to be), Chief Bunny (I have to say that as I have Bunny Centurions and need to keep them 'onside'), Most Worthy And Glorious Ruler Of You All...

...has one thing to say. Think before you writimuss!!!

SCAMPI is a BOY. Scampi is not a GIRL. Scampi may be on the way out in the not too distant futureimuss but PLEASE!...Respectimuss!!! Scampi is MY advisor and he is not a girlimuss!!!


SCAMPI is so incensed by the 'she' comments you have added weeks or months onto his lifeimuss!!!

By Order Of His Excellency Maximus Spittimus you must continue to refer to SCAMPI as a girlimuss...it is making him angrymuss and he is getting stronger!!!!

I has spokens.

MAXIMUS SPITTIMUS...Emporer Of The Universe and all that other stuff I just saidimuss.....

Friday, 15 April 2011


My Scampi is now 22 years old.

That, according to The Two Legs, is a good age for a cat.

As I am only 2 years old....or thereabouts...I will concur with The Two Legs....

Scampi is my oldest and wisest advisor. Scampi knows.


He is not long for our world...not long for MY world. Scampi is very oldimuss. Few cats make it to 22.
Scampi has.

Scampi is my friend. Scampi is my reason. Without Scampi I am not the Maximus I am whilst Scampi is here.

I is frightenedimuss.....MY Scampi is leaving me.

Day by day he is leaving me!!!!

I will never forget you Scampi.

You will live on in my heart.

You will live on in my Two Legs hearts.

2011 is the year I will lose my Scampi........

I knows this.

Nite nite my Scampi....

Nite nite.....

Saturday, 2 April 2011

A Goose??? A Goose???

The Two Legs is back - and about time too. Leaving me on my ownsimuss indeed!

The Stealth Bomber vanished for five days, Bumble hid in the wardrobe and Scampi crapped in the bedroom - I loves Scampi!!!!

The Little Two Legs and her pet...another man Two Legs...came to stay. That was coolimuss but, they brought another 4 Two Legses that we didn't even knowimuss!!!

'Strangers!' meowed Stealthy and wasn't seen again until he heard our Two Legs voices when they came back.

Little Two Legs fed us and watered us and cuddled me so...just to show who is really in charge I went off my foodimuss - I didn't really, I just wanted everyone to feel guilty!!! (I ate biccies at night when nobody was looking - don't tell them)

Lady Two Legs is still laughings 'cause Man Two Legs was chased by a Goose. It looks like a big fat pigeon to me.

Lady Two Legs say Man Two Legs tried to walk away when the Goose charged but it wouldn't acceptimuss 'walking'. It kept charging Man Two Legs until he started runnings!!!

I is going along next time. I must see Goose chasing Man Two Legs!!!!.....I will ask it to join my Centurion Army. In fact...I will makes it honorararary member now I shall.

I is MAXIMUS SPITTIMUS and likes Gooses!

Thursday, 24 March 2011

All By Myself!!!

Well...I will not be entirely by my selfimuss....Stealthy, Bumble and old Scampi will be here - as will the Little Two Legs for three of the five days so I will be fed and watered I suppose...

The Two Legs are going away!!! They are leaving me!!!! For 5 whole days!!!!

"We are going to The New Forest for our 25th wedding anniversary...back to our honeymoon hotel" they says.

New Forest?...How can a forest be newimuss??? Even I knows it takes years for trees to grow!!! Forests can't be new!!!

25th what???....What is wedding anniversary???....What is wedding????...they are mad I tell you!!! Mad!!!

Honeymoon????...The moon isn't honey!!! Honey is for Beesimusses!!!! The moon is up in the sky!!! My Two Legs are going up in the sky????

I is alarmed. I is even alarmedimuss!!!!

I has learned to work the computey myselfimuss so I can postimuss....no use hoping The Two Legs do it...they'll be up in the sky with Bees and honey and the moonimuss!!!

I is MAXIMUS SPITTIMUS  and I has two very crazy Two Legs to get back into line!!!!

The moon indeed!!!...Mad as hatters both of them!!!

Friday, 18 March 2011

Scampi And The Bumbles Is Sleepings

The old and venerable Scampi is sleepings...he does this a lot...he is 21 years old and that is very oldimuss for a cat. He advises Your Emporer and tells me when I is being silly or unreasonable...not that I is ever silly or unreasonable of courseimuss...How can I be?...I is the Centre Of Everything!
The Bumbles...aka Bumble....aka Bumble-eeny is sleepings too...Bumble is a lady I adore...but I doesn't understandimuss.

She hits me around the head....How can anyones hit me??? I is Maximus Spittimus!!!! The Emporer of The World!!! The Bumbles is keeping me in my placeimuss says The Two Legs...

My placeimuss is Ruler Of The Universe!!!...I doesn't needs keepings in my place!! I is already in my place!!!

I loves The Bumbles but I is confused...I is hit around the headimuss when I tries to eats The Bumbles foodimuss.

I is MAXIMUS SPITTIMUS  and I rules the Universe - as long as The Bumbles says so.....

Saturday, 5 March 2011

The Maximus Sleepy Place

I is sleepings. I is not always sleeping on my blankie. Sometimes I is sleeping on what Two Legs calls a Piano Stool.

I as no idea what a piano or a piano stool is but I sleeps on it...the piano stool that is....Two Legs says piano goes 'plunk plink plunketty plunk'

My stool doesn't go 'plunk plink plunketty plunk' so I knows it is a piano stool and not a piano.

My piano stool is near somethings called a radiator...it is warmimuss so I likes it. The Two Legs put clothes around my piano stool so I knows it is warmimuss and I is sleepings there when I don't want my blankimuss.

There is window near my piano stool so I can see birdies and things when I looks out if I decide to stop sleepings.

My blankimuss is THE MAXIMUS BLANKIMUS....My piano stool is THE MAXIMUS PIANO STOOL.

It is MINE.

I 'as spokens and I is MAXIMUS SPITTIMUS.

Friday, 25 February 2011


Is not!!!!

I refutes this insult to my magnificent personage!!!!

I is not getting FAT!!!!!!

I is pleasantly rotundimuss!!!!

Damn cheek these Two Legs have!!!!!

Disgraceful behaviour!!!!!

My claws await their toes as they is sleepings!!!!

Is just big boned and my fur is big too!!!

I is MAXIMUS SPITTIMUS and I is insulted!!!!

Saturday, 19 February 2011


You is MY MAIN CENTURION by default!!!!


Monday, 14 February 2011

All Is Wellimus In The World Of Maximus Spittimus

I is good....actually...I is greatimuss!!!

Bumble is well again,
Scampi is Scampi
and The Stealth Bomber continues to stealthily bomb any living creature that invades MY garden.
The Maximus Spittimus Universe is good.

The Two Legs universe is a bit chaotic so he can't post a lot for a bittimuss.

Well...that's what he thinks....carefully directed claws in delicate places will ensue and MAXIMUS WILL NOT BE DENIED!

I is MAXIMUS SPITTIMUS  and I has spokens to my loyal Centurions (and other lesser creatures)

(If you would honour me by becoming a MAXIMUS SPITTIMUS CENTURION then e-mail your picture and details to fourdinners@aol.com....but make it quickimuss...AOL are toast in the Maximus household and will shortly be replaced by Orange).

So there.

Sunday, 6 February 2011

Maximus Blankimuss

This is my blankimuss. I has had it since I was first here. It is from my blankimuss that I surveys my universe.

Without blankimuss Maximus would not be Maximus. It is mine...mine...mine...and nobody can lay on blankimuss but me.

I is sniffings it every night to make sure nobody else has been near it.

My blankimuss is my favourite thing.

As long as there is blankimuss there is Maximus Spittimus and as long as there is Maximus Spittimus there is blankimuss.

I is MAXIMUS SPITTIMUS and I has spokens.

Monday, 31 January 2011

The Bumbles According To Maximus Spittimus

Two Legs are happymuss.

I is happymuss.

The Bumbles is Hyperthyroidal.

I has no idea what that means but The Bumbles will take pills according to The Two Legs and will be fine.

The Bumbles will be fine.

The Two Legs have said so.

More importantly of course, I has said so!

The Bumbles will be fine.

I, The Emporer of Everything, thanks you for your purrs and hugs and bestist wishes for The Bumbles.

My Bumble will carry on being here to teach me the ways of catdom so I can be a great Emporer for all cats - and doggies and rabbits and squirrels and meerkats and other things.....

I is MAXIMUS SPITTIMUS and I has spokens....I is happymuss as well...

I thankimuss you all!!!!

Friday, 28 January 2011

The Crown Jewels

Bumble...aka The Bumbles...is 'The Crown Jewels'.

Bumble is 'The Little Two Legs' cat.

She always has been and always will be.

Bumble arrived at the Two Legs abode when she was a small kitten. About 8 weeks old.

Her left eye was lost already to 'Cat Flu' and was removed by the vet.

Bumble spent several days in the arms of the Little Two Legs and made a purring sound reminiscent of a Bumble Bee - she was, henceforth, christened 'BUMBLE'.

Bumble is now 13 years old and her health is suffering. She has always been a small cat, but....she has gone from 2.9 Kilos to 2.6 Kilos in 3 months and there aren't a lot of Kilo's to lose.....

There is a problem.

Blood tests have ensued and we await the results.

MAXIMUS SPITTIMUS requests that his Glorious Centurions keep their paws crossed for Bumble.

It is a time of concern for Maximus. Bumble (The Bumbles) has been his teacher in the fine etiquette of 'cathood'. Maximus clearly loves her dearly and WILL NOT LOSE THE BUMBLES!!!!

Your cat prayers are required and much appreciated.

Maximus thanks you.


Four Dinners
Aide De Camp
Maximus Spittimus