I Is Still Emporer!!!

If you thinks I as died then you is mistakens. I is alive and wellimus but The Two legs is too lazy to postimuss for me.

Everyone's is alive and wellimuss.

The Stealth Bomber is creaking a bit but he is fine.

Billy No Mates has a terminal heart condition but refuses to lie downimuss.

Marie Bug is Queen bee and nobody messes with her....even me

Purrrdy is purring away all day every day.

So. I would have said all this a year ago if The Two Legs wasn't such a lazy man!!!!

I will scratch him in a very painful place if he carries on like this.

I is yours truly.

The Emporer Maximus Spittimus

Feed Me!

Good griefimuss! I gets fed in the morning and then man Two Legs goes out and I don't get feds until the evening! This is ridiculous!

Lady Two Legs is in hospital so he is there all day! She is fine!!! He could come home and feed me! 6 or 7 times would be enough! it isn't an unreasonable request!!

How can a grown cat survive on only two feedings a day???

I know there is biscuits but biscuits aren't what my belly needs!!!

I is being treated with extreme cruelty!!

Call animal welfare nowimuss!!

I is starvings!!!....oh....don't call them yet...he is backimuss.....

shhhh....call thems tomorrow....don't tell hims I said too.....

I is a starvings Emporer Maximus Spittimus and my belly is rumblings!!!

Always There To Remind You

As it has been a long timeimuss since I was allowed to post - The Man Two Legs will pay all in good time! - I thoughts I should remind you of my loyal Centurions.

Of course, The Bumbles aka Bumbleeny has long gone to her Centurion paradise but everybody else is still here doing my bidding.....except for Gracie Mae The Fruit Bat.

Gracie Mae The Fruit Bat went wanderings too far and there was a car going too fastimuss and...well...Fruity didn't come home until Man Two Legs found her under a bush.

I was so very sadimuss...I still is...

But! Stealthy The Stealth Bomber is still Head Centurion! He is oldimuss now but he still chases his tale and keeps all other Centurions in order!...well, he does when he isn't chasing his tail anyways...

Billy No Mates is lining himself up to be Head Centurion one day - if I let him! He is handsome but he keeps going under cars and coming out like a blotchy Dalmation. He is a bit dumb really but I likes him.

Marie Bug and Purrrdy were bornimuss in my house and they has stayed cause I lets them. I needs a harem doesn't I???

Marie Bug is called 'Bug' cause she catches flies and eats them - urrrgh! She is crazy!!

 Purrrdy is called Purrrdy cause she purrrrrrrrs really loud. It keeps me awake! But I do like her lotsimuss.

Then and most importantly there is MEEEEEEE! Your Emporer Maximus Spittimus.

 ......bye bye Fruit Bat....I misses you so muchimuss...you has the best place in Centurion paradise.

...the bestest place....

I IS MAXIMUS WRIGGLY KITTY SPITTIMUS AND I HAS SPOKENS!!

FZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That is me. That title thingimuss. I is hissing at Two Legs cause he hasn't let me postimuss for ever!!!!

He is back on Blogger nowimuss (www.normanrampart.blogspot.com) so now he thinks 'oh! I'll let Maximus Spittimus blog again!

I'd scratch his eyes out but then he wouldn't be able to see the cat food and feedimuss me.

Don't go near his blogimuss!

Just ignore the selfish gittimuss!!!

I'll bite his toes when he is alseepimuss.

I is Maximus Spittimuss and I as finally spokens again!!!!

Billy No Mates Is My Latest Centurion

We have a new recruit to the Maximus Empire. He is completely white which has resulted in the man Two Legs shouting "Allwight at the back?" every time he walks through the door. Very oddimuss is man Two Legs.

Billy was given to us by a friend of the Little Two Legs and, as he answered to 'Billy' we kept his nameimuss.

Nobody liked Billy so the Man Two Legs started calling him 'Billy No Mates'.

Now we likes him - most of the timeimuss. Especially after he was shot.

 

 

Both Billy No Mates and Gracie Mae The Fruit Bat were shot with an airgun but they is both ok now.

 

The Police was involved, mainly I thinks to stop the Man Two Legs causing a 'one man' riot in the surrounding area as he looked for the culprit.

 

 

Anyways. Billy No Mates has settled inimuss and is currently being trained by Chief Centurion The Stealth Bomber in the niceties of doing my biddingimuss.

 

I is The Emporer Maxinus Spittimus and I 'as spokens.

 

(you can follow 'The Continuing Adventures Of Billy No Mates' at www.madmikesamerica.com under articles from 'Critter Talk' - the Man Two Legs writes them under the pretend name of Norman Rampart. He writes other stuff too but not as important as the Billy No Mates stuff)

The Return Of Me And The Sorrow Of The Two Legs

I can only apologiseimuss for not beings here. It was not my faultimuss!!! The Two Legs was busy doing other things and couldn't find the time to help me postimuss - bastard!! (imuss)

Anyways.

I is backimuss and all is well with the Maximus world exceptimuss....

Bumble aka The Bumble, aka Bumbleeeny is no more.

The Bumble has gone to the great Cat Basket in the sky.

My glorious one eyed Bumble has passed away and I is so saddimus about that. Bumble taught me so much about being a CAT and, even more importantly, being THE cat.

I is a wee bit lostimuss right now but, out of respect and love for The Bumble I will recover and continue to rule MY universe as it should be.

Why are all these strange peoples leaving weird comments on my bloggimus??

You Two Legs are very weird sometimes aren't you?

I is Maximus Spittimus and I is backimuss.

So there you go eh? ;-)

The Emporer Of The Universe has returned so stop leaving silly comments on my bloggimus you morons or I shall unleash the anger of Maximus and, given my claws, you would not enjoy!!

Only Temporarily

Temporarily, The Maximus blog is taking a break. This is because I am now concentrating on posting for a web magazine called Mad Mikes America. The format is that of a magazine rather than a blog and I'm enjoying being a part of it.

Maximus and the gang will turn up there from time to time - indeed my next contribution is entitled 'Maximus Spittimus, Stealth Bomber and the Curious Tale of The Field Mouse'

I really haven't the time to run a couple of blogs as well as contribute to Mad Mike's so, for a while, you'll have to read MMA to keep tabs on the crew.

Maximus's own blog will return to normality at some point in the future.

....oh...by the way, I am contributing to MMA under the alias of Norman Rampart....just so tha knows...

4D
Aide de Camp
Maximus Spittimus

Bloody Two Legs.....

He is too busymuss teaching crazy Two Legs to drive to postimuss.

Disgraceful behaviour!!!!

All is well in the Maximus Empire....I would show you pics to prove it if The Man Two Legs could spare the timeimuss!!!!!

Purrrdy's eye is fine by the way.....

.....I is going back to sleepimuss and I may chose to not wakes until the Man Two Legs gets his arse in gear and does me a decent post!!!!!!

I is MAXIMUS SPITTIMUS and I is getting the humpimuss!!!!

Purrrrdy

The year is newimuss and I is still here.....The Two Legs is laximuss with my postings - so much for his most important resolution!!!!!!

Purrrrdy is sleepings on the sofa...I is sleepings on my blankie on the sofa...Purrrdy is hurtimuss....

Purrrdy ran into a branch and it poked her in the eye......the shiny eye is the good eye....she may lose her sight in the other eye...we is medicating it....

In the meantime...Stealthy is sleepings.....

The Bumbles aka Bumbleeny and Gracie Mae The Fruitbat are eatings.....but Bumble and The Fruitbat are always eatings so no change there then.....

Marie Bug continues to be Marie Bug and goes out hunting leaves......

I is worries about Purrrdy's eye and so are The Two Legs.....still...she isn't in pain and can see....

The Man Two Legs says she now has eyes like David Bowie.......Who he?

I is MAXIMUS SPITTIMUS....THE EMPORER MAXIMUS SPITTIMUS....

.....AND I 'AS SPOKENS

Jingley Balls

The Man Two Legs says that 'Jingley Balls' means it is Chrissimussimuss....

The Lady Two Legs says that if he doesn't behave she'll 'Hang his Jingley Balls on the Christmas Tree'.....

Two Legs is so weirdimuss...

Firstly...a strange green thingimuss with sparkly bits has appeared in my house....I seem to recallimuss the same thing happened last year....I has no idea why....it is a Two Legs thing which only goes to prove Two Legs are very strangeimuss...

In the meantime, Gracie Mae The Fruit Bat decided to rip a rug to bits - possibly because she has never seen a green sparkley thing in her new home and, being a Fruit Bat, thought ripping up a rug would show her view on the green sparkly thingimuss....

Purrdy Purr Purr on the other hand, took one look at the green sparkly thingy, rolled over and went back to sleepimuss.....Purrdy is sooooooooo coooool !!!

Bumble aka The Bumbles aka Bumbleeeny decided to shut her good eye and ignore these strange goings on...The Bumbles knows the score...she is ABOVE all of this stuff.....

Marie Bug stole my blankie and copied Purrdy in sleeping through it all...er.....MARIE!!!!....YOU STOLE MY BLANKIE???????....Is there no respect left in my world????....MY BLANKIE????

The Stealth Bomber aka Stealthy spent an inordinate amount of time inspecting the rug torn to shreds by Fruit Bat.....I as no idea why but you doesn't ask Stealthy 'why?'....You just accepts Stealthy is Stealthy...at least there wasn't a frog under the rug...for once...;-)

And I, your beloved Emporer Maximus Spittimus, considered going out of the Cat Flap to escape the strange happenings inside my Empire.

Then I thoughts.....'Oh...This is MY empire....I is in chargeimuss!!!'....so I didn't use the Cat Flap.

.....mainly because it is beneath me to use the Cat Flap...The Two Legs must open the door for me...but also because it was rainings and I would have got wetimuss.....

Anyways....

The Green Sparkly thingimuss is here again.....I wonder whether Fruit Bat will try to climb it?.....I bets she does....

Happy Christmasimuss from your Emporer....The Magnificent MAXIMUS SPITTIMUS....

Everybody Is Sleepings

I is sleepings on my Blankimuss

Stealth Bomber (Stealthy) is sleepings on the unmade bedimuss

Bumble...aka The Bumbles...aka Bumbleeeny is sleepings on the armchair cushions

Gracie Mae aka Fruitbat and Purrdy are 'resting' on the leather swivel chair...they will be sleepings shortly..

So where is Marie????????

Marie is outside catching leaves.

Marie loves leaves.

She brings leaves home like Stealthy brings Mouses home.

Marie is daft as a brushimuss.

She is out chasing leaves in the cold and the darkimuss.

The rest of us is sleepings - or nearly sleepings in the warmimuss...

We is sensible.

Marie is daftimuss.

...and why has Purrdy got lazor beam eyes?????.....That is weirdimuss...

I IS THE EMPORER MAXMIUS SPITTIMUS AND I 'AS SPOKENS.

NOW I SLEEPIMUSS...

Sleepings, Peepings And Bumbleeeny

Having survived the 'Night Of Loud Bangs, Whizzes, Fizzes and Crackles I is getting some well earned sleep.

My Generalissimo Stealth Bomber aka Stealthy, after spending a night sitting on my head to protect me is also getting some well earned zzzzzzzz's

Gracie Mae the Fruitbat is still peepings around corners in case anything else goes BANG or FIZZ

...as is Marie who seems to be very tired but too perplexed at all the BANGS and WHIZZIES to go sleepimuss yet...

Tabatha Tab-Tabs, who is an 'outdoor girl' is still missings after two daysimuss...I is worried...The Man Two Legs has gone out and called her....as yet to no avail. Still, Tabatha Tab-Tabs is an outdoor independent lady...so she will come home when she feels it is safe to emerge and she is hungrymuss enough...I hopes..

Purrdy is still under the Little Two Legs bed...she is in shockimuss at all the noiseimuss!!!

But The Bumble?

The Bumble aka The Bumbles aka Bumbleeeny is incredibly unperturbed by all those BANGS and CRACKS...She is The Thatcher of the feline world!!! She is my IRON LADY!!!!

Now pose for the camera Bumbles...my Iron Lady!....Let my Centurions see how magnificent and brave you are!!!! - only because of my influence....obviously....Bumble obeys my every command!!!

Now...pose again Bumble....

....er.....Bumble?....er.....Bumbleeeny?.....Obey me!....er.....um....please?......Pleaseimuss?

Oh to hell with it!......Women!!!!

I is MAXIMUS SPITTIMUS (WRIGGLY KITTY) and I 'as spokens.....er...and Bumbles 'as left the building.....

BANG!!! CRACK!!!! FIZZLE!!!! BANG!!!!

It is noiseimuss....Two Legs say it is Diwali. They says it is aliens - we is being invaded???

I hates it. Stealthy hates it. The Bumbles hates it. Tabatha Tab Tabs hates it. Marie hates it. Purrdy hates it. The Two Legs hate it.

They says we is moving somewhere that is England.

I as no idea what they means but if it means less BANGS then I likes it.

They is noiseimuss. Man Two Legs says they is aliens.

I not know what aliens is but they is noiseimuss so we doesn't likes thems.

I will scratch thems.....when I finds out what 'thems' is....

I is MAXIMUS and hates the noises....

Pussy Cat, Pussy Cat, Where Have You Been?...

There IS a GOD....So there....

The Man Two Legs is very busyimuss and hasn't the time to postimuss so he has done this postimuss for moi.

I, Maximus Spittimus, acknowledges the Man Two Legs willingness to postimuss when he is knackered because he loves me...

And what is there not to love??????

I is THE EMPORER MAXIMUS SPITTIMUS (WRIGGLY KITTY) and I 'as spokens... 

Marie Marie Oh With Your Eyes So Blue....

...er...oh...erm...yes...that was Blondie's 'Denis'...well never mind...Marie's eyes aren't blue but so whatimuss???

Marie seems to have taken a liking to following me around thereby clearly stating that she is a Kittie of enormously good taste.

I didn't even know she was there....copying my window ledge window ledging...

Then I realised she was thereimuss...

Marie is tailing her way into my Leading Centurionesses....and you has to admit...it is quite a tail!!!!

And those eyes!!!.....I melts into those eyes...

I is THE EMPORER MAXIMUS SPITTIMUS (WRIGGLY KITTY) and I thinks I is in loveimuss....

I 'as spokens...

The Beeatch!!!

Tabatha (Tab-Tabs) is otherwise known as 'The Beeatch'.....purely because she is indeed a 'Beeatch'.

She is also gorgeous and is clearly a 'MAJOR' Centurioness....NOBODY messes with Tabatha (Tab-Tabs)...Not even The Two Legs...

You mess with Tabatha (Tab-Tabs) and you WILL lose the sight in one eye or get deep gouges on your body.....and that's if you're lucky....

The Little Two Legs is terrified of Tabatha (Tab-Tabs)

The Man Two Legs loves her and cuddles her and calls her Tab-Tabs.

He is nuts.

She is nuts.

Still......she IS a Centurioness - and the toughest maddest Centurioness ever in The Maximus Spittimus Empire.

Marie, below in the pic, is Tabatha (Tab-Tabs) daughter and she is, in looks, a perfect 'Mini-Me'...except Marie doesn't attempt to disembowel anyone who touches her....

The Man Two Legs loves her and cuddles her....All other Two Legs avoid her...

Me?

I just think....'I'll keep this babe on MY side'

I is wiseimuss.

I is MAXIMUS SPITTIMUS (WRIGGLY KITTY) and I 'as spokens...

The Maximus Spittimus Empire

Rightimuss...

After my frightening thingimuss recently I 'as been a bit lax governing my Empire....

Stealthy and my Centurions run away from a dog and the Man Two Legs hits someone for hitting me with his shoeimuss...I hardly felt it...

I 'as been looking under the sink and in dark corners for things to jump out and they hasnt's....

The Two Legs don't know what I am looking for and neither does I.

I is getting back to normalimuss so my world must get back to normalimuss.

My world is THE MAXIMUS SPITTIMUS EMPIRE and I is back to governing it!!!

The Man Two Legs is taking more pics of my Centurions and, of course, me.

Normality is restoredimuss.....at lastimuss...

I IS MAXIMUS SPITTIMUS (WRIGGLY KITTY) AND I 'AS SPOKENS.

Dogs and cats and dogs and cats

NOW BE QUIET!!!!! THIS IS MY EMPIRE!!!!

Good grief....Lacey the dog, the dog from next door, comes running in through our...er..MY front door and barks and Stealthy and my Centurions run away - except The Bumbles aka Bumble aka Bumbleeeny who just sits and hisses at her...er...it...

.....some muslim (what is one of those?) neighbour throws a shoe at me - in front of my Man Two Legs - and says I am the pet of an 'infidel'....what is an infidel???...and my Man Two Legs thumps him and he falls over and the police come and.....well...I is not sure what happens nextimuss...My Man Two Legs shouts at the police and they goes away.

People seems to go away if MY Man Two Legs shout....He shouts loudimuss and won't shut upimuss.

He NEVER shouts at me and mine though....so that is what countsimuss?

I am Maximus Spittimus...but I is subduedimuss....

There are strange things happenings in my neighbourhood and I don't understandimuss....

The Man Two Legs says we are leaving.....he says we are leaving before he 'loses it'.

What is he losing? I is confusedimuss....this is MY placeimuss.

Why are we leaving?

I 'as been here since I was this....

Dennis The Menace

I is AMAZED!!!! I is in AWE!!!!

Dennis the cat has stolens lots of things from washing lines......he has even stolens a doggie chew from the doggie!!!!

Dennis has made the national news in newspapers and television!!!!

Dennis has stolens thongs and towels and t-shirts...

When anything goes missing near Dennis's home the neighbours go to his home to ask if he's stolen it.....

knickers, designer pants, training shoes, gardening gloves....Dennis takes everythingimuss!!!

You can find Dennis on Google and read of his incredible exploits!!!

Dennis A STAR!!!!

Dennis is hereby confered with special dispensation....

Dennis is henceforth THE MAXIMUS SPITTIMUS (WRIGGLY KITTY) CENTURION FOR STEALING THINGIMUSSES

DENNIS IS AWESOMEIMUSS!!!!

I is Maximus Spittimus and I 'as spokens!!!!

MAXIMUS MAXIMUS!!!!!!!!!!

I WAS THIS....

NOW.....

I AM THIS.....

I AM THE EMPORER MAXIMUS SPITTIMUS AND YOU ARE MY SUBJECTS IN MY EMPIRE.....AND DON'T YOU FORGETIMUSS IT!!!