I Am Handsomist Of All

This is a cat. This is the best cat in the whole world. The world exists because this cat is here in it. There is no point in existance if not for this cat.

This cat is me.

This is not a cat. I have no idea what it is but it isn't a cat. It is weird.


I am MAXIMUS SPITTIMUS

I have spoken

Vet

The two legs put me in a cage and then in a strange big metal box.

It made a noise I didn't like and then.....it moved!!!

Then he carried me - in my metal cage - into somewhere.

Another two legs then pushed something into my arse.

I kid you not. A cold tube thing. Right up there. I hissied and spitted and the two legs just carried on. What is this??????

The two legs obviously like to torture us.

Then another thing. A pointy thing. The two legs that my two legs called a vet pushed a sharpy thing in me.

I is better now. I don't feel sicky sicky now.

I sleep on two legs. I kind of don't mind two legs in the big box. He talks to me. I not know what he says but he feeds me and he is nice to me....except for vet thing.

I will not piss or crap on him.

He is like big cat. He is leader. He will look after me.

I am MAXIMUS SPITTIMUS

Sicky Sicky Sicky

I am a bit sicky. The two legs is muttering about going to a Vet. What is a Vet?

I am Maximus Spittimus.....but what is a Vet?

I am sicky. I sleep now.

Total Utter Utter Utter Bastards

The two legs said "Start a blog and the world will come to you"

You didn't.

You will suffer unimaginable horrors for this insult.

I may be a kitten but I ain't dumb.

Well...allright...maybe I am dumb but I am the centre of everything and you are not.

You have failed to worship me.

You will pay.

These are cats that have 'sold out'

Remember....I haven't.

My time will come.

I have no idea what this one is...my two legs assured me it would "make a difference"...."he is on thin ice if he's wrong".....

I AM MAXIMUS SPITTIMUS....

YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.....

I AM MAXIMUS SPITTIMUS

There I was....minding my own business....my brothers and sisters minding theirs and my mum watching over us.

There it was. The two legs. Grabbing my scruff. I bit the bastard. Quite right too.

My mum attacked it. She attacked another two legs too. The other two legs ran off making a strange noise.

The two legs who had my scruff wouldn't let go. It put me in a strange thing with bars. I couldn't get out. I wanted my mum.

Now?

Now I'm living in the two legs place. There's more of them.

One is a bit smaller than my two legs, the other is smaller still.

They keep picking me up and making a fuss of me. I tried hissing at them but they ignored me and kept stroking me.

I pissed on the two legs who caught me and crapped on one of the smaller two legs. That was very funny.

Still, they feed me and now they've let me out of the cage the place is mine.

Only mine.

There are other four legs here. They will learn. I am new. This is my place. If they behave they may stay.

I will include pics of myself...mainly as I am incredibly handsome and the reason for all existence.

One of the two legs is in the pics. I would have removed it but I have no idea how the pics arrived anyway...

I know you will enjoy looking at me because I am a cat. I am, therefore, perfect in every way.

 

I AM MAXIMUS SPITTIMUS