Wednesday, 4 September 2013

Billy No Mates Is My Latest Centurion

We have a new recruit to the Maximus Empire. He is completely white which has resulted in the man Two Legs shouting "Allwight at the back?" every time he walks through the door. Very oddimuss is man Two Legs.

Billy was given to us by a friend of the Little Two Legs and, as he answered to 'Billy' we kept his nameimuss.

Nobody liked Billy so the Man Two Legs started calling him 'Billy No Mates'.

Now we likes him - most of the timeimuss. Especially after he was shot.

Both Billy No Mates and Gracie Mae The Fruit Bat were shot with an airgun but they is both ok now.
The Police was involved, mainly I thinks to stop the Man Two Legs causing a 'one man' riot in the surrounding area as he looked for the culprit.
Anyways. Billy No Mates has settled inimuss and is currently being trained by Chief Centurion The Stealth Bomber in the niceties of doing my biddingimuss.
I is The Emporer Maxinus Spittimus and I 'as spokens.
(you can follow 'The Continuing Adventures Of Billy No Mates' at under articles from 'Critter Talk' - the Man Two Legs writes them under the pretend name of Norman Rampart. He writes other stuff too but not as important as the Billy No Mates stuff)

Saturday, 24 August 2013

The Return Of Me And The Sorrow Of The Two Legs

I can only apologiseimuss for not beings here. It was not my faultimuss!!! The Two Legs was busy doing other things and couldn't find the time to help me postimuss - bastard!! (imuss)


I is backimuss and all is well with the Maximus world exceptimuss....

Bumble aka The Bumble, aka Bumbleeeny is no more.

The Bumble has gone to the great Cat Basket in the sky.

My glorious one eyed Bumble has passed away and I is so saddimus about that. Bumble taught me so much about being a CAT and, even more importantly, being THE cat.

I is a wee bit lostimuss right now but, out of respect and love for The Bumble I will recover and continue to rule MY universe as it should be.

Why are all these strange peoples leaving weird comments on my bloggimus??

You Two Legs are very weird sometimes aren't you?

I is Maximus Spittimus and I is backimuss.

So there you go eh? ;-)

The Emporer Of The Universe has returned so stop leaving silly comments on my bloggimus you morons or I shall unleash the anger of Maximus and, given my claws, you would not enjoy!!

Tuesday, 12 March 2013

Only Temporarily

Temporarily, The Maximus blog is taking a break. This is because I am now concentrating on posting for a web magazine called Mad Mikes America. The format is that of a magazine rather than a blog and I'm enjoying being a part of it.

Maximus and the gang will turn up there from time to time - indeed my next contribution is entitled 'Maximus Spittimus, Stealth Bomber and the Curious Tale of The Field Mouse'

I really haven't the time to run a couple of blogs as well as contribute to Mad Mike's so, for a while, you'll have to read MMA to keep tabs on the crew.

Maximus's own blog will return to normality at some point in the future. the way, I am contributing to MMA under the alias of Norman Rampart....just so tha knows...

Aide de Camp
Maximus Spittimus

Sunday, 3 March 2013

Bloody Two Legs.....

He is too busymuss teaching crazy Two Legs to drive to postimuss.

Disgraceful behaviour!!!!

All is well in the Maximus Empire....I would show you pics to prove it if The Man Two Legs could spare the timeimuss!!!!!

Purrrdy's eye is fine by the way.....

.....I is going back to sleepimuss and I may chose to not wakes until the Man Two Legs gets his arse in gear and does me a decent post!!!!!!

I is MAXIMUS SPITTIMUS and I is getting the humpimuss!!!!

Thursday, 24 January 2013


The year is newimuss and I is still here.....The Two Legs is laximuss with my postings - so much for his most important resolution!!!!!!

Purrrrdy is sleepings on the sofa...I is sleepings on my blankie on the sofa...Purrrdy is hurtimuss....
Purrrdy ran into a branch and it poked her in the eye......the shiny eye is the good eye....she may lose her sight in the other eye...we is medicating it....
In the meantime...Stealthy is sleepings.....

The Bumbles aka Bumbleeny and Gracie Mae The Fruitbat are eatings.....but Bumble and The Fruitbat are always eatings so no change there then.....
Marie Bug continues to be Marie Bug and goes out hunting leaves......

I is worries about Purrrdy's eye and so are The Two Legs.....still...she isn't in pain and can see....

The Man Two Legs says she now has eyes like David Bowie.......Who he?



Wednesday, 19 December 2012

Jingley Balls

The Man Two Legs says that 'Jingley Balls' means it is Chrissimussimuss....

The Lady Two Legs says that if he doesn't behave she'll 'Hang his Jingley Balls on the Christmas Tree'.....

Two Legs is so weirdimuss...

Firstly...a strange green thingimuss with sparkly bits has appeared in my house....I seem to recallimuss the same thing happened last year....I has no idea is a Two Legs thing which only goes to prove Two Legs are very strangeimuss...

In the meantime, Gracie Mae The Fruit Bat decided to rip a rug to bits - possibly because she has never seen a green sparkley thing in her new home and, being a Fruit Bat, thought ripping up a rug would show her view on the green sparkly thingimuss....

Purrdy Purr Purr on the other hand, took one look at the green sparkly thingy, rolled over and went back to sleepimuss.....Purrdy is sooooooooo coooool !!!

Bumble aka The Bumbles aka Bumbleeeny decided to shut her good eye and ignore these strange goings on...The Bumbles knows the score...she is ABOVE all of this stuff.....

Marie Bug stole my blankie and copied Purrdy in sleeping through it!!!!....YOU STOLE MY BLANKIE???????....Is there no respect left in my world????....MY BLANKIE????

The Stealth Bomber aka Stealthy spent an inordinate amount of time inspecting the rug torn to shreds by Fruit Bat.....I as no idea why but you doesn't ask Stealthy 'why?'....You just accepts Stealthy is least there wasn't a frog under the rug...for once...;-)

And I, your beloved Emporer Maximus Spittimus, considered going out of the Cat Flap to escape the strange happenings inside my Empire.

Then I thoughts.....'Oh...This is MY empire....I is in chargeimuss!!!' I didn't use the Cat Flap.

.....mainly because it is beneath me to use the Cat Flap...The Two Legs must open the door for me...but also because it was rainings and I would have got wetimuss.....


The Green Sparkly thingimuss is here again.....I wonder whether Fruit Bat will try to climb it?.....I bets she does....

Happy Christmasimuss from your Emporer....The Magnificent MAXIMUS SPITTIMUS....

Monday, 3 December 2012

Everybody Is Sleepings

I is sleepings on my Blankimuss
Stealth Bomber (Stealthy) is sleepings on the unmade bedimuss
Bumble...aka The Bumbles...aka Bumbleeeny is sleepings on the armchair cushions
Gracie Mae aka Fruitbat and Purrdy are 'resting' on the leather swivel chair...they will be sleepings shortly..

So where is Marie????????

Marie is outside catching leaves.

Marie loves leaves.

She brings leaves home like Stealthy brings Mouses home.

Marie is daft as a brushimuss.

She is out chasing leaves in the cold and the darkimuss.

The rest of us is sleepings - or nearly sleepings in the warmimuss...

We is sensible.

Marie is daftimuss.

...and why has Purrdy got lazor beam eyes?????.....That is weirdimuss...